The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[enf]

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet $50 on it.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ah Ha!", the guy says, "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I work out how to get those pyjamas off."

[enf]

A young boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

"Well, son, the best way to explain this is a practical exercise. Go ask
your Mom if she'd sleep with a stranger for a million dollars and come tell me
her answer.

The boy returned and said, " She said she would, Dad." "OK," replied the father, "Go ask your sister the same question."

The boy returned and said that his sister also answered yes to the
question and then asked his Dad, "What's this got to do with theory and reality?"

"It's simple, son. In theory, we could live with millionaires. In reality, we live with a couple of sluts."

[Svenok]

I was shagging a girl over her kitchen table,when we heard the front door opening.

"Thats my husband," she said. "Quick, try the back door."

I knew i should have left before her husband caught me. But there's no way I was refusing an offer like that!

[Ratty]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3iFhLdWjqc"]YouTube - Cats Playing Patty-cake, what they were saying...[/ame]

[xnavyman]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the pedestrian crossing, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the boot, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[xnavyman]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.....'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[z1gg33]

An Unemployed Man goes to a brothel , not having much money he asks the Madam, what can I get for $1. The Madam takes pity on the man, and says, for $1 you can have a go on the blow up doll in the back room..

He pays his money and goes into the back room. jumps on starts humping it, and notices that the dolls nose is running, this puts him off so he wipes the dolls nose, off he starts again, a few minutes later the nose starts running again, wipes it off and finishes his root...

On the way out he tells the Madam that the dolls nose seemed to be running and that he had to keep wiping it off with his hands.....

She thanks him for letting her know and escorts him out the back door, she then screams to the Pimp, "leroy, that doll needs emptying again"

[enf]

I walked out the front to check the letterbox this arvo. There was an aboriginal kid curled up inside the parcel box.

Some bastard is blackmailing me!

[xnavyman]

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

[xnavyman]

Grammar

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages and e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalisation.

Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I know you will appreciate this reminder.

[enf]

An Irish walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits
in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughes. "Oh, no boyo" he says, "everyone's fine. I'm just
off the booze for a wee while."

[hughdman]

I think I have CDO. It's like OCD but just with the letters arranged in alphabetical order.



I was just asked to donate money to end the civil uprisings in Egypt but I'm worried it may be some kind of pyramid scheme.

[hughdman]

What's the difference between "iron man" and "iron woman"

Iron man is a super hero
Iron woman is a command

[xnavyman]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?". The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along... I'll marry them!

[intelliGEORGE]

Mohammed entered his classroom...

"What's your name? Asked the teacher.

"Mohammed" answered the kid.

"You are in Australia now and there is no Mohammed here. From now on your name will be Bruce" replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home....

"How was your day Mohammed? Asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce".

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you" and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him covered in bruises she asked:

"What happened to you little Bruce?".

"Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming an Aussie I was attacked by two fvcking Lebos!!"

[intelliGEORGE]

Saw my Lebanese neighbour shaking a carpet on the 6th floor balcony, I called out "What's up Ahmed, won't it start?"

[xnavyman]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour; she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

'Oh my GOD!!' screamed the woman, 'That's disgraceful!!! Why is he
doing that??'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could
easily rupture.'

'Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok.' commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, 'Same illness, but private health
cover.'

[SS Dave]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you joshing me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid !

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

SS Dave

[SS Dave]

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other
male. These two statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one
morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of
you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many
people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift
of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that
command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and
dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he
listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,
"You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it
again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold down the
pigeon and I'll cr*p on its head!"

[bambbbam]

This morning, a man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his arse.

Doctors have described his condition as 'stable'.