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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #11641
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #11642
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #11643
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    A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
    "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
    His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
    I do not have a headache;
    I do not have a headache,
    I do not have a headache.'
    It worked! The headaches are all gone."
    "Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
    His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
    The husband agrees to try it.
    Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
    He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
    His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
    The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
    He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
    The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
    Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
    With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
    This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
    She's not my wife!
    She's not my wife!
    She's not my wife!


    His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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  • #11645
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #11646
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    FEAR NO MAN!

    I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch, ...the Secret Welsh ART of SELF
    DEFENCE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage. The
    FANTASTIC SECRETS of the SECRET world-famous method of SELF DEFENCE, kept
    secret for centuries because of their DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH,
    BATTER, FRACTURE, CRUSH, DISMEMBER, CRACK, DISEMBOWEL, CRIPPLE, SNAP and
    HARM are now revealed to YOU in the English Language by a LLAP-GOCH
    master AT HIS OWN RISK, PROVIDED you promise to MAIM, CRUSH, DISEMBOWEL
    and so on ONLY in SELF DEFENCE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as you
    will understand.)

    WHY "At his own risk?"

    BECAUSE if his fellow masters of LLAP-GOCH DISCOVER his IDENTITY, they
    will PUNISH HIM SEVERELY for revealing the DEADLY secrets he had promised
    to keep SECRET, without giving them a piece of the ACTION, and also
    BECAUSE of the TERRIBLE risk of PUNISHMENT he runs under the Trades
    Description Act.

    WHAT is LLAP-GOCH?

    IT is THE most DEADLY form OF SECRET self-DEFENCE that HAS ever been
    widely advertised and available to EVERYONE.

    WHY ALL the CAPITALS?

    Because THE most likely kind OF person TO answer THIS sort OF advertise-
    ment HAS less trouble under-STANDING words if they ARE written in BIG
    letters.

    WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again?

    It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-A, which
    is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the
    most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore,
    the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him
    before he attacks YOU... Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has
    EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT
    UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!

    No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT fascinating and
    ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need you be out-manoeuvred
    in political debate!! GOOD BYE HUMILIATION, wisecracking bullies, Karate
    experts, boxing champions, sarcastic vicars, traffic wardens; entire
    panzer divisions will melt to pulp as you master every situation without
    INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES. You will no longer look pitiful
    and spotty to your GIRL FRIENDS when you leave some unsuspecting passer-
    by looking like four tins of cat food! They will admire your MASTERY and
    DECISIVENESS and LACK OF INADEQUACY and will almost certainly let you put
    your HAND inside their BLOUSE out of sheer ADMIRATION. And after seeing
    more of your expert disabling they'll almost definately go to bed with
    you, although obviously we can't ABSOLUTELY guarantee this, still it's
    extremely likely and would make learning LLAP-GOCH really worthwhile al-
    though legally we can't PROMISE anything.

    Why WELSH Art?

    LLAP-GOCH was developed in Wales because for the average Welshman, the
    best prospects of achieving a reasonable standard of living lie with the
    acquisition of the most efficient techniques of armed robbery.

    HOW do I learn?

    No, you mean "How do YOU Learn." I know already.

    HOW do You Learn?

    You receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own special personal LLAP-GOCH Picture
    Book with hundreds of PHOTOGRAPHS and just a very few plain, clear and
    simple, easy to understand words. Only a FOUR-SECOND WORK-OUT Each Day!
    And you will be ready to HARM people!

    * DEVELOP UP TO 38" BICEPS
    * GROW UP TO 12" TALLER
    * LOSE UP TO 40" OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT!
    * PROLONG YOUR LIFE BY UP TO 1,000 YEARS
    * GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU CARE TO THINK OF
    PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE
    "UP TO" CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER "NOUGHT."

    WHAT Does it Cost?

    This, like LLAP-GOCH, is a SECRET but you will find out sooner or later,
    don't worry. MAIL DARING HAIR-RAISING MONEY-SAVING HALF-PRICE NO-RISK
    FREE-TRIAL COUPON NOW!
    ----------------------
    O.K. Hounourable Master, I accept your daring, hair-raising, mind-
    boggling, blood-curdling, no-risk, half-price, free-trial offer to reveal
    the secrets of LLAP-GOCH in a plain wrapper at once. Yes Master, I never
    again want to be 'Weak In The Knees' and 'Chicken Out' and 'Wet My Pants'
    when insulted and attacked. I agree never to abuse the principles of
    LLAP-GOCH or consult a lawyer. I am over 4. I have an extra Y chromo-
    some. Bill me later. I understand that if I am not completely satisfied
    I have been had.

    NAME _________________ AGE __ ADDRESS _____________
    CITY _______________ STATE ____________ ZIP _______

    Please also enroll me under your special Car Insurance Scheme. I under-
    stand that I do not have to sign anything to make this completely binding
    to me.

  • #11647
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Turkiye?

    F*ck!! Does this mean we have to serve it with graviye this christmas?
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
    $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'


    The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'


    Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
    wait because she was coming too.

    And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!


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