Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #4301
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    A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.

    'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Malcolm Turnbull and Julie Bishop to grant you three wishes,
    since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children -- all costs to be borne by Australian Tax Payers.'

    The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

    The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

    'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!

    The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder
    'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms - and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest
    of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here'

    PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling
    swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
    'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

    The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said "I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

    PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat.
    He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

    'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?
    Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
    Where is my BMW?

    The fairy said 'Tough luck.
    Now that you are Australian, you're entitled
    to Sweet F@#ck All just like the rest of us'
    And she disappeared........

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    My mate Tommo was driving home late the other night when the police pulled him over.
    Sir have you been drinking this evening; the copper asked
    Tommo grunted:Why is there a fat bird in the car with me ?

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    Its 2.30am and a policeman is on duty in Chapel Street, Melbourne. He see's one of the local queers
    mincing along with a bag in his hand.

    The cop calls him over and say's "That bag is a bit suspicious, what's in it?"

    The queer shows him the bag which the cop opens. He sees it contains three bottles.

    The cop takes a bottle out, un corks it and sniffs it, "Hmm wine" he says.

    He takes the second bottle out, uncorks and sniffs, "Ahh, Body oil."

    He take the third bottle, uncorks it and sniffs. He goes out like a light right there.

    When he comes round he says. "F*ck me! What was in the third bottle?"

    The queer smiles. "Chloroform. Sure makes your arse sore doesn't it?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69 er...
    Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him...
    She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him...
    As she lowers herself onto his face, she farts, apologizing, ...she tries again, but farts again...
    Paddy jumps up and storms out, yelling, ...
    Oi'll be ####ed if oi'm hanging' around for 67 more of dem....!

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    Not really a joke but I thought it's worth shearing.


    This is the best analogy yet!

    Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that
    America/Canada/Australia is now in economically.



    I bought a bird feeder. I hung it

    on my back porch and filled it

    with seed. What a beauty of
    a bird feeder it was, as I filled it

    lovingly with seed.

    Within a week we had hundreds of birds
    taking advantage of the
    continuous flow of free and
    easily accessible food.

    But then the birds started
    building nests in the boards
    of the patio, above the table,
    and next to the barbecue.

    Then came the poop. It was
    everywhere: on the patio tile,
    the chairs, the table .
    everywhere!

    Then some of the birds
    turned mean. They would
    dive bomb me and try to
    peck me even though I had
    fed them out of my own
    pocket.

    And others birds were
    boisterous and loud. They
    sat on the feeder and
    squawked and screamed at
    all hours of the day and night
    and demanded that I fill it
    when it got low on food.

    After a while, I couldn't even
    sit on my own back porch
    anymore.. So I took down the
    bird feeder and in three days
    the birds were gone. I cleaned
    up their mess and took down
    the many nests they had built
    all over the patio.

    Soon, the back yard was like
    it used to be ...... quiet, serene....
    and no one demanding their
    rights to a free meal.

    Now let's see......
    Our government gives out
    free food, subsidized housing,
    free medical care and free
    education, and allows anyone
    born here to be an automatic
    citizen.

    Then the illegals came by the
    tens of thousands. Suddenly
    our taxes went up to pay for
    free services; small apartments
    are housing 5 families; you
    have to wait 6 hours to be seen
    by an emergency room doctor;
    Your child's second grade class is
    behind other schools because
    over half the class doesn't speak
    English.

    Corn Flakes now come in a
    bilingual box; I have to
    'press one ' to hear my bank
    talk to me in English, and
    people waving flags other
    than ”ours” are
    squawking and screaming
    in the streets, demanding
    more rights and free liberties.

    Just my opinion, but maybe
    it's time for the government
    to take down the bird feeder.

    If you agree, pass it on; if not,
    Keep cleaning up the poop
    Bloody bleeding hearts

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    Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

    He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

    The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

    So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said,
    "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

    The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.
    Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

    However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

    Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
    If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

    So the king hired the donkey.

    And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

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    There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis ...


    There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking
    about how their lives sucked.

    The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and
    juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

    The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When
    I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me,
    and stick me in a jar."

    The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough?
    When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head,
    stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I
    throw up and pass out!."

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    Default Indigenous GPS

    Indigenous GPS

    Probably could have gone in the YouTube thread, but too funny not to share in the joke section.

    ***Warning*** Language


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    If you ever think your life is bad, that things are going to sh*t and that nothing could be worse, just remember...

    Stevie Wonder pays $25,000 a week for children he never sees.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    What a prick of a week it's been for the world. Terrorist attacks in Paris, Earthquakes in Japan, Mexico and now Greece, Bombings in Beirut and Baghdad...

    It seems the only thing positive is Charlie Sheen.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A Story to warm your heart

    This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................

    A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

    She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

    At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

    At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

    'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

    The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house'

    'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

    The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

    'I think so. Provided those wankers at Boral deliver the ####ing bricks on time.'

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    You know that special look your wife gives you when she wants sex?

    No?....me neither..
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

    The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

    They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

    Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He asked his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

    His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

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    I think whoever invented predictive text is a complete aunt.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    NAG NAG NAG

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
    The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
    Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed,
    'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

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    I was talking to a blonde at the bar last night..

    "Whats the difference between a chicken sandwich and a blowjob?" I said

    "I have no idea." she replied.

    I invited her for lunch at my apartment today.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #4317
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    Let us know how it goes, enf.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Quote Originally Posted by lsemmens View Post
    Let us know how it goes, enf.
    That's why its in the joke thread...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    That's why its in the joke thread...
    I think he knew all along you were going to eat that chicken sandwich by yourself

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    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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