Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    If you watch Jaws backwards it's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .


    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

    Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

    I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

    This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

    Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

    I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

    So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.......

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  • 23-05-21, 02:08 AM

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  • #10550
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Modern maths question

    An advertising company needs 10 people for an advert...100 people turn up, 8 are black or asian and 92 are white.

    How many white people get the job?

    Answer = 2. They play the gay or lesbian couple.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
    The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
    The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.


    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
    they asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explains, the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t
    talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums still hurt, so he could only talk for about 10 minutes.

    But, the third Sunday, he put his

    Wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

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    Default Oops................

    Bob and Barry were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bob said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Barry says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Barry. Barry says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bob says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Barry says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Bob says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..' ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?' 'No.' 'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

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    .

    Sent from my LE2120 using Tapatalk

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