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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #12581
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Valentines Day is fast approaching....

    For the followers of the religion of peace, a special heads up...

    ROSES ARE RED
    VIOLETS ARE BLUE
    MY WIFE'S ELEVEN
    I'M FIFTY TWO
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Some Reasons Why Men Are Happier...



    What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



    Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.



    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.



    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.



    NICKNAMES



    - If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.



    - If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



    EATING OUT



    - When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.



    - When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



    MONEY



    - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.



    - A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



    BATHROOMS



    - A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.



    - The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



    ARGUMENTS



    - A woman has the last word in any argument.



    - Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



    FUTURE



    - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



    - A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



    MARRIAGE



    - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.



    - A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



    DRESSING UP



    - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



    - A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



    NATURAL



    - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



    - Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



    OFFSPRING



    - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.



    - A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



    SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor ... And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

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    The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

    "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

    The little boy nodded once more.

    "So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

    Again the little boy nodded.

    He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?"

    The little boy nodded yet again.

    "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."





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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Husband: "Hi darling, I have some bad news. I was at work and blood came out with my crap. Laura took me to the hospital and the doctor confirmed it's stage 4 colon cancer and I'm already on borrowed time... I'm so sorry"

    Wife "Who the f*cks Laura?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Lightbulb

    Hey folks! Just swung by to drop a few chucklers in the mix. Hope they crack you up as much as they did me. 🤣

    1. Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
    2. Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
    3. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
    4. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
    5. My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home.

    Let's keep the laughs rolling! 😄

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    A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news; the horse died."

    Donald replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    Donald said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead horse."

    The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

    Donald said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

    The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

    Donald said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

    A month later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

    Donald said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2250"

    The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

    Donald said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."
    Donald later moved into the White House.

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    Pilot Lines




    Some old - some new.

    Responses to “What is the coolest line a pilot has said to the passengers?”


    *I was on a crowded flight to Texas. A woman boarded with a very upset 3 year old who was crying and carrying on. You could tell she was already at her wits end. A flight attendant walked over and asked the baby’s name, which turned out to be Elias. A few moments later, a voice came out from the cockpit on the PA system.*


    * “Elias? This is Santa.” The little boy sat up, focused on the disembodied voice. “Elias, I want you to be a good boy so I can bring you something
    really good at Christmas, so no crying or fussing, ok?” The little boy was wide-eyed as he nodded. He was quiet the whole flight.


    ================================
    The pilot had really banged the plane onto the runway and was dreading having to stand at the door and thank the passengers as they exited. He was certain someone would have a comment, but no one did. He started to relax when everyone had gotten off except a little, old lady with a walker. But when she finally made it up the aisle, she stopped and asked, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

    ================================
    As a plane was flying it started shaking very badly and soon the pilot got on and announced I'm very sorry folks but we have just lost power to one of our engines we are going to try and restart it please remain calm .. a terrified man shouts out please tell us how far will one engine get us ? Pilot pauses then answers the man, “All the way to the crash site.

    “ ================================
    I had a late-night Southwest flight to Rochester NY last week. It was the terminus for a long flight that had stopped twice. The pilot thanked the passengers and then said: “Now I want to tell you the same thing my father told me on my 18th birthday. Get your stuff and get out!” and for the children onboard, we are nearly there and will remain nearly there till we get there!
    ================================
    This is your captain speaking. I’m working from home today. Have a safe flight!”
    ================================
    About half way between London and Paris on Christmas Eve the pilot came on the PA with an announcement: “Ladies, Gentlemen and especially children: I’ve just seen Santa and his reindeer pass by our aircraft and wave to me, if the children will look out your windows now you might still get to see him.” I'm not a child but I still looked.
    ================================
    We were waiting to take off at around midnight from LAX to New Zealand—a very long flight almost entirely over water with virtually no land in between. We were delayed because of a “malfunction.” The pilot came on the intercom and explained that he was waiting for a replacement part and that it would be arriving shortly. Groans were audible throughout the full 747. He then said: “Ladies and gentlemen, I share your disappointment. But we’re going on a long flight, and I can assure you that I would rather be on the ground wishing I were in the air, than in the air, wishing I were on the ground.” After a moment of stillness, applause erupted.
    ================================
    It actually came from a flight attendant about 15 years ago. "We have a woman pilot and a woman co-pilot on this flight. You are flying in an unmanned plane. "

    ================================
    Years ago, there was a very low cost airline called PSA (Pacific Southwest Airlines). The other airlines hated the cheap competition. Once, I was on a United Airlines flight. As we flew over the Sacramento area, the pilot announced “If you look to your right, you will see PSA passengers deplaning from their flight.” Looking out the windows, we saw a group of skydivers jumping out of their plane.

    ================================
    {last one, but a good one.}
    After an international flight of over twelve hours, everyone was eager to disembark as soon as we landed. However, we had a long taxi to the terminal and then a long wait for another plane to leave so we could taxi to the assigned gate. In spite of the flight attendant’s announcement asking everyone to stay seated until the captain gave the signal that we were stopped, several passengers unlatched their seat belts and stood up to retrieve baggage from the overhead bins. At that point the captain’s voice came over the loudspeakers. “Ladies and gentlemen, as you might imagine, after such a long flight with hundreds of passengers, the lavatories are in terrible shape. If you would like to help us out, please stand to indicate your willingness to help clean them.” Everyone was seated immediately.*






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